Hysterical

I saw the gynaecological oncologist and there were no surprises.  Hysterectomy.  Ovaries and tubes and cervix to go.  Heavy on the relish.  Sorry, its just that despite Mr M being incredibly wonderful and supportive, and the gynae chap being very approachable, its still just so surreal to be discussing my interior like this. There's lots to process, but I do feel unbelievably positive about it all, and I feel excited to see the person I will be after this operation.

 I am sorry to lose my womb, and awed that she is sacrificing herself for my well being, having contained the cancer and warned me loud and clear that something was wrong.  She has been the repository for all my feelings of self-loathing and fear, all my unworthiness, resentment and guilt.  She has protected me from myself by containing my worst and most self-destructive forces.

On the down side, I'm utterly shit-scared of the anaesthetic, and the after-effects of it.  I'm also apprehensive of the sudden removal of the organs secreting what hormones I had left...I will be thrust straight into a surgical menopause.  What will that look like?  (On the forums it looks like 23 separate threads all with the word 'meltdown' in the titles)

That's another thing, how will sex be afterwards?  I recall fondly Mr Mac and I, just a month or two ago.  I want to do it one last time with all my bits in place still, but there's pain and tenderness...I don't know.

I'm not too worried.  Things could be a whole load worse, and face it, I'm like a rat in a trap, there's nowhere else to go with this...there's no point in adding worry to the pot.  All will be well.  All is well.