I
saw the gynaecological oncologist and there were no surprises.
Hysterectomy. Ovaries and tubes and cervix to go. Heavy
on the relish. Sorry, its just that despite Mr M being
incredibly wonderful and supportive, and the gynae chap being very
approachable, its still just so surreal to be discussing my interior
like this. There's lots to process, but I do feel unbelievably
positive about it all, and I feel excited to see the person I will be
after this operation.
I
am sorry to lose my womb, and awed that she is sacrificing herself
for my well being, having contained the cancer and warned me loud and
clear that something was wrong. She has been the repository for
all my feelings of self-loathing and fear, all my unworthiness,
resentment and guilt. She has protected me from myself by
containing my worst and most self-destructive forces.
On
the down side, I'm utterly shit-scared of the anaesthetic, and the
after-effects of it. I'm also apprehensive of the sudden
removal of the organs secreting what hormones I had left...I will be
thrust straight into a surgical menopause. What will that look
like? (On the forums it looks like 23 separate threads all with
the word 'meltdown' in the titles)
That's
another thing, how will sex be afterwards? I recall fondly Mr
Mac and I, just a month or two ago. I want to do it one last
time with all my bits in place still, but there's pain and
tenderness...I don't know.
I'm
not too worried. Things could be a whole load worse, and face
it, I'm like a rat in a trap, there's nowhere else to go with
this...there's no point in adding worry to the pot. All will be
well. All is well.
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