I
had decided (obviously this all happened before my hysterectomy) that it would be more sensible to visit the doctor for
contraception than to fall pregnant with my sixth child at the age of
49 because I'm fed up with condoms and getting complacent about using
them due to the fact that our combined age was now 101, and that's surely to old
to conceive?
I
hardly ever go to the doctor, so there was a little list when I went,
(a large wart and my boring old bad neck) and confronted with this
list, the doctor actually thought that the diaphragm was a low
priority and could wait. Bad judgement call in my opinion doc,
but I made a non-urgent (because I'm not seriously ill) appointment
to see her again in two weeks so that she could then fully
concentrate upon furnishing me with my contraceptive of choice.
She
spent this second appointment telling me about the coil. No
thank you doctor, I don't want that, I have heavy periods. Aha!
then you will love the
Mirena coil, which has a little tiny hormone which all but eradicates
periods. No, doctor, I wouldn't love this. I do have
heavy periods, but I don't want
them 'eradicated'. I just want to not have a baby, but to have
sex, without my hormonal cycle being messed about with.
"Diaphragm
it is then Mrs W. Oh, I must ask," (to satisfy the
computer screen, for statistics, for drug companies)
"how
did you hear about the diaphragm?"
God
Almighty Doctor, I'm nearly 50, I'm a trained nurse, mother and
grandmother and avid reader of women's magazines, and I haven't spent
my entire life living under a stone, so how would I not have
heard of the ruddy thing??
Poor doctor with her cup of cold
coffee and acetone breath and her petulant peri-menopausal patient.
She peers at me over her spectacles.
"
Alright Mrs W, on your way out make an appointment at
reception, to see the nurse, for the fitting."
Now
I'm most certainly not about to make this appointment in
reception in front of my fellow villagers who will no doubt suspend
their coughing just as she clearly
enunciates the the word 'diaphragm' whilst looking at me, mad
menopausal old Mrs W. (you know, her with all the kids)
No.
Instead, I go home and telephone the receptionist, who repeats my
name with a questioning inflection in her voice. This is
usual..there are two Mrs Ws using the surgery, so she confirms my
address. I hope that the collective village, sitting stolid in the
waiting room are
not listening to her end of the telephone conversation as she says,
with an even more urgent questioning inflection in her voice (as if
she's never heard of one)
"Diaphragm?"
"Can you please not
say that out loud in front of everyone?" I'm wanting to bury my head under the cushions of my sofa.
"Sorry.
There's no one here anyway. (!?) Is that for contraception?"
I
hesitate for a second whilst my brain shuffles through its files of
information on the diaphragm. What other use could it have? A
fold-away soup bowl for Lilliputians? Not boiling
hot soup obviously but maybe gazpacho. The only other
diaphragms I have ever come across, so to speak, are the ones in the
float-chambers of carburettors in spluttering motorcycles which are
inexplicably losing power in the mid-range. Usually flexibility has
been lost through age, resulting in a crack in the dry rubber which
means they need replacing. Which can be a pig of a job
depending on the arrangement of the carbs.
"Well
its not for my carburettor I can tell you that. Yes yes, for
contraception."
She completely ignored my carburettor
joke, unless it had confused her because then she said,
"You
don't mean the coil?"
We
made me an appointment for some weeks hence. Well, I realised the
following week, that I'd screwed up on my timings and couldn't make
the appointment, so I telephoned to cancel.
"Ah
Mrs W, we've been talking about you and your diaphragm. The
nurse can't do it and she thinks you will need to make an appointment
with the doctor first."
This is a true story. If a knowledgeable, worldly-wise battleaxe of a
mother and nurse can't get herself sorted in less than six weeks and
four appointments what hope is there?